I Thought About Suicide-Netflix Show 13 Reasons Why Is A Great Show

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This content contains what may seem disturbing. It includes graphic depictions of substance abuse and suicide. If you or anyone you know needs help finding support or crisis resources, click here.

13 Reasons Why

Latest binge worthy show, 13 Reasons Why on Netflix, takes you through the steps of a young lady by the name of Hannah Baker and her suicide. She records on 13 cassettes, yes cassettes they are vintage to some but better than compact disc to most (I know, what’s that? CDs). Well, Hannah Baker (played by Katherine Langford ) , she takes a select group of students and staff of Liberty High through her moments of why she committed suicide. Each person is se to listen to them all and pass them on to the next person that they’ve heard her talk about.

In its controversial Season 2, 13 Reasons Why faces bashing from a Florida mother that blames the show for her 15-year-old that attempted to kill herself on Mother’s Day. The anonymous mother says her daughter was strongly influenced by the show and as reported by the Okeechobee News , during the Season 1 suicide of Hannah Baker. In my sincerest opinion, I believe the Florida mother has missed the purpose of the show. We can’t make suicide an ugly word to never be discussed.

https://twitter.com/MyBookIsOnFire/status/1000017308541181953

In my own battles and discussions with family that have watched  the show with me, we’ve taken the time to reflect on such a topic that most would ignore, until it becomes personal. As the title states, I thought about suicide. No, it wasn’t just because I was a teenager and lost. I had a number of reasons why. Unfortunately the fictional character  Hannah Baker and the actual people that I knew of that committed to the act, couldn’t figure out how to cope with the world.

In 2005, a student that attended middle school with me and transferred to a private school for high school and graduated, and excepted to a college that fall… killed himself. He was talented, he was attractive and he was smart. It wasn’t clear at that point in my life to see how and why he would do that to not only to himself, but his family. He was someone that I saw smile and live his life, I go back and forth with the biggest question; Why Chris Cahill?

What is suicidal behavior?

As much as you can analyze and report the behaviors of a person, I don’t believe there are warning signs of why someone is willing to take their on life. As I discussed with my sister and teenage daughter, I thought about it. Yes, I carried on day to day with no real reason why, but thinking it would  be easier without me. I thought maybe my mom would be ok. I thought my siblings wouldn’t miss me. I thought, my daughter would be ok, she has plenty of people who love her.

Recently, I saw how taking your own life as an adult really reflects the people around you;  when a friend of mine broke down to a state that I’ve never seen him. He was busy when he got the news that his relative had taken his own life. No, he wasn’t a child. Yes, he had a life other than himself. My friend said he was going to call his relative back when he wasn’t so busy. I never talked to my friend about that day. Its like one of those forbidden conversions. You just remember but it never was brought back up to reflect.

Not long after that, I had run into what seemed like a raging wind of a hurricane, paired with a mud slide. I felt like I had no control over what was going on in my personal life. I drank and cried more than ever, not sure what I was feeling. Feeling like the blame was on me for everything that had gone wrong. I cried at everything as I remember being back stage of this comedy show with a few of my coworkers and this comedian came back to just chill until his time to go up on stage. Till this day, I don’t know what made him have this conversation with us at this time. It was like church,  when the Pastor talks about a specific issue, the day you finally show up and sit in the back pew and you feel like the Pastor is talking right to you.

So, this world known comedian starts talking to me and my coworkers, I roughly remember him saying,  “ …You’ll , sometimes even have to part from your family”. My coworkers definitely took the conversation differently than me because I remember balling in tears. My face was red and my eyes were full of confused and frustrated tears.

Thinking to myself, should someone be concerned ? With this being my second go around with feeling like this, I just told my coworkers because of their reaction to my displaced emotion’  “I’m not fine, all the drama at work is nothing compared to whats going on at home” I told them, “I’m telling y’all because I just don’t care”. It was true, I just didn’t care how they saw me. I grew up being told, “ Don’t let anyone know about your personal life” , but I felt like my personal life was just too much.

Warning signs of suicidal feelings, thoughts, or behavior

It was late July, I had made a choice to go out of town with my cousin on his work trip to Los Angeles.  Where I was conflicted, because I considered leaving my family but not committing anything harmful but just like ending all my responsibilities and taking on a life of homelessness. Yes, I thought, what do I have to lose? I thought , if I left my daughter, her dad wouldn’t mind and my family would take care of her. Then, I thought, I don’t want her to blame herself.

I questioned my life as a teen mom, I had faced the worst as a mom in high school and cruel kids. So, why was this point of my life so hard that I couldn’t fix? I smiled for those that needed to see a smile ,but inside I wasn’t doing anything for myself.

I got back home and went vegan to detox. To many I lost weight too fast, to myself I lost the bad. I lost what was keeping me weighted down. Not saying go vegan, because I didn’t remain vegan, but it helped to clear my mind.

So, no, my feelings, thoughts, or behavior wasn’t obvious to the people around me. It wasn’t a list you could check off what you detected from me. My family was distant and I felt alone. My signs were deflected by my ability to smile through the pain. I think back to the time I was in a play in college. The play was “ For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf “ by Ntozake Shange. and the line “Gotta laugh to keep from crying”. Wasn’t sure what that meant, until I had to show everyone I was ok.

For you, though the world is telling you one thing, don’t forget who you are in this world for a reason. You’re everything this world needs. You’re the ray of sun to a cloudy day. You’re not alone in this. Don’t get conflicted with the idea that there is no one to talk to, there is though. You have someone willing to listen. If you break down what seems tragic now, you’ll realize this isn’t the end. They talked about something in Season 2 of 13 Reasons Why, they talked about “infinity love”, which I took as everyone is effected by something we do. So as little as you think you don’t matter, you do. If you need someone to listen, hit me up

Prevention of Suicide

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

13 Reasons Why

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